@Abyss it was not your fault. Void pressured you into agreeing into doing it and when you first asked him to stop he didn't and he should've stopped. He did not listen and that's on him which is disgusting that he didn't listen the first time you asked him to stop. Also it seems you carry some trauma from your past relationship leading you to believe that everything in this situation was your fault but it was not. Honestly I think it might be in your best interest to maybe see a therapist because this way of thinking that everything is your fault is not healthy and I'm worried that eventually you will reach an extreme low. Remember its not weak to ask for help.