Comment by BYE on Wet Sand - Chapter 34

This chapter kind of confirmed what many of us have probably suspected all along. As a result of Ian's upbringing, as a first-gen Asian immigrant in America, but especially as a child in a single-parent, neglectful house, he grew up with an insecure avoidant attachment style. His mother was present but fulfilled none of his needs consistently. Forgetting to make sure he's being fed, neglecting to show physical/verbal affection, failing him in every way a parent can other than giving him a roof over his head... this is what led to his fear and avoidance of commitment, his lack of close friendships, his discomfort expressing his emotions, and his dislike of the notion of "investing" into intimate relationships.

That's why he goes for "quick fu***" and nothing else -- and this goes for TJ as well. Why else would they not be exclusive, if they truly are this close with each other emotionally? The only difference is that with TJ there was an added layer of co-dependence. After years and years of miserable, traumatic gang life, I think it would be impossible for Ian not to latch onto TJ, and for TJ to latch onto Ian. Trauma bonding at its finest, a relationship in which no wound heals because they serve as reminders of all their trauma to each other. It's true that this layer of "closeness" and shared memories may lay the groundwork for a true connection. But as they are now they are toxic for each other. Only when Ian has a chance to be his own person separate from TJ, and TJ finally learns what's important to him (Ian or the gang life), might they actually work out. Only then.

17 Replies

BYE·2 years ago

@BYE (2) In the meantime, Jo came in at the perfect time, you could say. He was the perfect person to show Ian a world and a relationship outside the incessant toxicity of the gang. Their hook-up, despite Ian trying to shrug it off as nothing but a "quick fu**" like all others, was not just a result of sexual attraction like he was used to. We saw in the author's character profiles that Jo's ideal type was "someone he could talk to, and it's a bonus if they're cute". Jo, in other words, with all his transparent, refreshing honesty, did not fit in any category that Ian has manufactured, where they only want Ian's body and "pretty" face. Was he like the many potential "dads" of his childhood? It's obvious he was not. Even Ian could see that Jo has his priorities straight (think of when he rejected Ian and the possibility for s**, in order to go fix his family's leaking plumbing). Was he like the gang members? Like TJ? Profoundly not. This man has never gone through severe financial hardship, violent crime, persecution, etc etc, as TJ pointed out. Is this a bad thing? No. This is the whole point: trauma does not make you stronger in and of itself. Ian was a child in need of protection, not a child that needed to be strong. Him "becoming strong" is him learning avoidant behaviours that are actively sabotaging him right now.

BYE·2 years ago

@BYE (3) Jo seems like a strong enough person to me. He is coping with his own problems just fine. He has close relationships that he can seek help from. He seems good at adapting to stressors, and is seeking many enriching life experiences through travel, challenging pre-consemptions and stimulating his mind. That is strength in this world, not just influence and money like TJ believes. You cannot throw a bunch of money at a relationship and consider it solved. In that way, Jo is very much stronger than both Ian and TJ, without going through their trauma. And while that also makes him privileged, doesn't that tell us something about our innate need for peace and comfort, and for growing at our own pace as human beings? Why should we glorify and justify what makes us so miserable? We were never supposed to suffer to grow, that's the biggest lie we've been fuc**** sold. And I think that's the whole message behind this manhwa.