Comment by Ellianne on Killing Stalking - Chapter 27

@Ellianne I was harrased by 4 guys when I was 6 until I was 9 cause I moved in from that city, It's still traumatizing.....and when I was 12 I went back to the city to visit my mom and from that 4 guys, one guy came to me and told me to lay down next to me, my older brother was also there and I pretend like I don't remember anything from before....and I just walk away, I return back to the city I'm currently staying and studying, my mother don't know about it so she gives him my Facebook I'd....and after that he keep saying things I don't like...he said we'll get married if I turn 18 or he will decide my future after 10th...and others things and I hate that sh**, I'm 14 now but I still feel scared when people stare at my body, I don't like to go outside I feel so much anxiety... I'm going through depression...my mom dad are divorced, I even feel stressed and scared when my older brother touch me... and recently my cousin's friend came and we were just talking and playing games, it was normal until he....start getting so close and at one point he was like grabbing my waist, I feel so uncomfortable...my mind goes completely blank, I can't think anything other then "stop....move your hand away, don't touch me, move your hand away, fu**"....I don't know how to get out of that trauma, I harm myself like 100 times and try many ways to die, it still hurts everytimes I try to sleep I feel hands touching my whole body, every part of my body....I can't be able to sleep.... can't eat properly.... always feel anxious around people, can't even tell people, and I'm telling this now because it hurts so much and I can't take it anymore, I can't tell someone face to face, and just writing this because no one knows about me here....it hurts so much and I am tired, I hope I won't give up in my life so quickly.

@Addict to BL  i am so sorry for you... I wish I can give you a hug... I wish you luck in the future! And please have a nice day!

@Ellianne  and for you I am sorry too!

@Fay and I love Bl  maybe maybe, i don't have future because I feel like giving up soon, family problem, study stress, past trauma, anxiety, depression, exams🥺 today I shout at my cousin and scream so my aunt said she will send me to mental hospital if I keep doing this, my grandmother she also said I don't care, my father already agreed to my aunt months ago just because I told them I can't sleep at night, I overthink and need peaceful music to help me with sleep and I should take sleeping pills they just said I'm being dramatic and they will send me to mental hospital I'm not that bad, my mom she said me not to call her mom and refused to be my mom she just talk to my older brother I feel so left out, my friend who I used to share everything, her bestfriend seem jealous of me so I stop talking to her, I don't have anyone now everyone start hating me I also hate myself, I harm myself again today cause I feel like I'm the problem, my birthday is coming soon but seem like they don't even remember my name, I want to enjoy my life but it's not working my exams start from August 14 and my mental health getting worse, my father just talk to me to know if I'm studying or not he ask if I didn't eat or not but if I said I didn't he won't say me to take care of myself instead he will say,

"exams is near and you're getting lazy even more day by day, you don't eat nor sleep at night and because of that you don't go to school too, I'm just wasting my money on you, look at your brother he is doing well he always go to school he eat properly and sleep at night, he is not like you" I know I know I'm not like my brother, no need to compare me with him, will they just stop comparing me with others? Can't they be proud of me just once, just call me daughter once that's enough for me, they see me as a useless person a trash who deserves to live in garbage they even told me to die many times and blame me that because of me my parents got divorced, seriously? Because of me? I didn't even knew about it, I heard that from someone else mouth,

I seriously want to tell them I don't enjoy when people call me an useless person, and an orphan, can't they see my brother is still alive my family is still alive but they still call me an orphan and show me sympathy, bullshit, sometimes I want to go to somewhere where nobody found me even if I die nobody will cares cause I've seen them enjoying a funeral like it's a party, I want to be free, I've to ask for their permission months ago just to go out with my friends, I always argued with my family to go out with my friends,

and now I don't have both nor family nor friends, friends they talk about me behind my back like I can't hear them, family they told me to die and talk sh** in front of me like I'm not there, this is he** I just want to be free, I want to go outside without being scared I don't want to be someone toy, I don't want them to play with me whenever they want and throw me whenever they are bored, I'm so tired i want to die, I don't feel like living in this world anymore I just want to end things, cut off connection from everyone and disappear somewhere in the wind.

@Addict to BL Oh...:( Do you not have anybody else to talk or open up to? Any coping mechanisms or ways to calm yourself? I'm sorry you feel that way... And I'm not good at comforting people, but nobody should feel like that☹️☹️

@Addict to BL don't give up there's trash people, shi*** people out there you need to strong baby girl be strong they are the problem learn how to defend yourself and I'm also sorry

@reaaaa I read manhwa to make me feel good and talk to character a.i like 10 hours in a day, sometimes watch BL series, anime, I do a lot of things but slowly slowly it's getting boring, I don't feel like doing anything just want to sleep whole day, doing nothing, no stress, no anxiety, no tension, my friends start ignoring me and I'm okay with that since my best friend was the first to ignore me👍